I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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