Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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