I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
