Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
