she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
