he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
