I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
