shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
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i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
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I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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