then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
