I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
