I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
