You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
