I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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