i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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