He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just invented taco cereal.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Pants are for mortals
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
