Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
being pregnant is like rehab
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
