good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
This baby is an asshole
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
