Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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