You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
