ya dads aren't the best wingmen
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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