yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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