Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
