Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
