so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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