i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
