remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
smell my finger.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
