I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
