Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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