ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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