At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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