Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
This can only be settled by a dance off.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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