I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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