Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
