do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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