People in love make me want to vomit
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
