she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
