Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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