The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
