I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
