She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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