Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
one might say we're banned from that church
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm having to shit out rocks
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
