Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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