all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
