i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
