and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize