i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
