I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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