Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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