Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
