It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
