can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
