Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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