He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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