wrigley field is MILF paradise
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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