You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
