if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
soo... how was my night?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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