Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
