someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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