I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
