in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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