My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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